Failure Grief Lament Mental Health Repentance

Darkness Psalm 30

May 30, 2019

A darkness surrounded me.
An overwhelming darkness
Where my own groans and cries couldn’t be heard
Where weeping tarried night after night.

The profit of death tempted me.
Going down into the dust
Seemed to me the only way of escape
What I thought was a must.

But You knew.
You knew the dust could not praise You,
Could not cry for mercy,
Could not tell of Your faithfulness.

Still You hid Your face,
Because I disregarded my King
And let the idol take your place.
The darkness closed tightly in.
Flooding my thoughts with tumultuous seas
Of doubt, fear, inescapable grief
Until my whole body shook
With six years worth of memories
That could not be sifted through
To pinpoint the gaping crack
That allowed the enemy to deceive me into thinking
That I could satisfy my own needs.

The darkness has a name.
That name is Shame.
And to You, my LORD, I cried,
Cried for mercy and release.
Yet, You stood by
Teaching me to pray in the dark
Where there was no light,
My very soul being ripped apart.
This darkness eclipsed the Son
And made a home for itself
Taunting and teasing me,
I thought the darkness had won,
Until the Wind of God moved.
A gentle, loving Hand called forth my latent faith
To enlighten the eyes of my heart
To the hope for which I had been called.
“Let there be light!”
An emphatic command
That spoke hope to my sorry plight
As it loosed my sackcloth
And washed the ashes,
Turning my mourning into gladness,
The darkness now passes.
And I wait.
With tear stained cheeks
And trembling hands
I lift them to You
Ready to obey Your commands:
“Sing, dance, praise and give thanks, my child,
For mercy is new
With each ray of light that passes through,
I did not leave you, I did not forsake you.”
The darkness has now lifted.

**5/30/2019 Written at the lowest point of my entire life where I did not think I was going to come out alive.**

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