Grief Lament

Longing for Death

May 20, 2019

I’ve never known a grief like this.
I’ve never known the waves of intense pain that sweep through my soul and lands me on the floor only to be comforted by bitter tears that wash dirt from my cheeks.
I never knew songs could be triggers.
I never knew my mind could commit treason.
I sold my allegiance to my King for a thirty-piece-silver idol and ravaged it, and in a moment it was gone, never to be seen or heard from again.
Through the wreckage I see the Wrecker.
I see the One who wrecked my world
So that my phony faith could be blown to bits, and the damage is all around me.
All of this working out my salvation for me, with such fear and untold trembling.
Now I can see my True Love emerging from the ashes as my Savior.
He wrecked my life, yet spared me.
While I long for death, He sustains for there are fruitful works yet still to be done.
He’s in the fire with me, Lord let me not come out smelling like smoke.
His grace and His mercy reminding me that He saves sinners.
Of which I am chief.
This is what He says:
“I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am LORD, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord God”.
Oh God, I am undone.
I received mercy for this reason…
That Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.
Please God let this be true for me.

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