On Turning 30

I wore white patent leather shoes with white stockings, a white frilly dress with accented pink crocheted roses, tiny white gloves that matched my hat perfectly. It was Easter Sunday and my biological father’s dad took us to the Catholic church in Queens, New York. I was two and a half.

My first memory.

Fast forward to November 2017. The cursor on my computer is now bouncing steadily as if it is impatiently waiting for me to write some profound truth about life’s twists and turns that God, in His providence, authors for us, and how His guiding me these years since have lead me to the age of 30 by His sweet grace. Breathe…

Now the cursor isn’t so impatient anymore. Now the cursor is like a steady heart beat reminding me of the power God has over my life. Thirty years worth of laughs, tears, mourning, lamenting, weeping, dancing, running, hurting, losing, gaining, fighting, hoping. Thirty years where each moment was working for my good to come to know a gracious and loving God in small glimpses of His glory and presence in my life. The Author of all wisdom and understanding has met me in these moments.

Over 3 decades He has been present in the times where I thought life was ending. He was present in the moments where the incomparable joy that He supplied brought me to my knees. He was there when His Spirit awakened my soul to the grace of salvation. He was present when my heart was broken for the first time by a man… my father of this earth. And was present when several men ravenously wanted to exploit its pieces.  He was present when I walked down the aisle towards a man He lovingly provided and assigned me to in order that I may be adorned with more of His beauty. He was present when the doctors told me that I would be a childless woman unless I received medical intervention. He was present when all the losses of babies not yet known were too overwhelming to carry, and so He carried the loss, the hurt, the burden. He was present when contentment and joy were being fostered in my heart when all I had were questions. He was there in the moments when my heart adopted each one of the children He led me to, mysteriously, creatively, and without merit. He was present in the seasons of darkness that brought thick clouds of sadness and shame and guilt.  He has been present in the quiet moments where no one else sees my toiling and working, but all the while He is there. Pleased. Delighting in me. He was there as I flew above the clouds to an unknown country that forever shaped my view of His beauty in creation. He was there when I climbed that mountain and danced and sang with joy at the redemptive power of His love for me. He has been present when the power of His Word satisfies my soul in ways I never could have imagined. He has been there when I fall short and plead the blood of Jesus in my hours of desperation. He has been there when the intimacy I try to find in this world disappointments me, yet He always tenderly reminds me that He is the Living Water that satisfies deeply. He has been present  in all of my 30 years of my life. All 15,768,000 minutes He has been present. There. Here. Near. Close. Ever reaching. Ever found. That’s what 30 years has taught me. Each moment drawing me closer to the final day when we stop counting these moments and are completely present with the One who Is. Was. And will forever BE MY GOD. Here’s to 30 million bagillion trillion years to being present with Him….