When the summer rains hit the warm earth there is a smell so distinct that it causes my heart to ache for Mongolia. My first summer I spent in that incredible country was 6 weeks. We didn’t have showers, so we would wait patiently for the rains to roll in and weave through the mountains until they made their way to the dusty steppes and onto the roofs of our dilapidated shanties where we would shower as the water fell from the tin roofs.This smell always reminds me of hope. It’s the same smell that I would breath in when I was a child sitting outside during a late summer thunderstorm. It was the smell that reminded me that God always brings the rains. The rains are a reminder of His faithfulness to me. Always.
In the 9 and a half years of wedded sanctification, Brian and I have experienced roughly 8 miscarriages. All of these have been in the early weeks of pregnancy, but a loss nonetheless. I stopped counting after the last one in the summer of 2016, and after the first few I stopped crying when it happened. At some point I realized that God’s plans are perfect. He is sovereign. These are Biblical truths that have etched their mark on my heart and womb through deep meditation and steadfast hope that the Lord graciously provided and still provides through His Word and His people. Over the past 9 years God has provided healing streams and hope that flow graciously and freely and endlessly without ceasing.
There are always lies, though, that Satan would love for families who have experienced the depth of pain in the loss of a child, or multiple losses through miscarriages to believe. Lies like:
- I am experiencing losses because of my sin.
- I am less than a woman because I cannot carry my own child.
- I cannot completely be a woman because I cannot carry a child.
- I have nothing in common with women who have carried their own children full term.
- God must be angry with me.
Whatever we walk through in terms of the suffering God graciously gifts us with, there is always the immediate belief in a lie. Our enemy, the devil, has not changed his schemes since the beginning of time…
The reason the rains have always been a reminder of hope for me is because the rains always bring life. They water the ground to bring forth the precious buds of plants that feed us and animals. They offer us water to satisfy our thirst. And most importantly, they wash always the filth of dirt and grime that have built up over time.
The healing rains of God’s grace, mercy, and steadfast love fall down on us like kisses from Heaven’s lips. Kisses like, “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2), sing over me as I hope in the finish work of Christ on the cross for my sin that NO LONGER CONDEMNS ME. It no longer condemns me! Even when I start to believe the lie of the enemy that my sin has caused my childlessness, I cling to the righteousness of Christ as my portion and strength to stand when my weak knees want to fail because my flesh has failed me. My womb, my body, it fails me.
BUT, there is hope. There is always hope. Our hope is not in our wombs, ladies. Our hope is not in whether or not our wombs will do what they were designed to do. Our hope is not in carrying a child. Although that is a holy desire to be a mother, to carry a child, to know Christ deeper in having a child. However, we know Him in our sufferings. Suffering through multiple miscarriages, infertility, barrenness, and all that comes along with it, I can say with my whole being that I have a God that is not dead. I have a Hope that is alive.
Please, allow yourself to mourn the death of your child. God knows the suffering of losing a child better than we do. His only Son was crucified and brutally beaten and murdered for those He loved. How great a compassionate and sympathizing God we have! There were several times I would sit in the room that would have been the nursery for our child and rocked my empty arms and cried out to the Lord for mercy to withstand the suffering that was needed to see the treasure of who Christ is as comforter, lover of my soul, and good Father. It was necessary to mourn in order to experience the comfort the Lord brings. Let the mourning turn to dancing when the comfort comes! Declare His goodness as comforter to those who need the same comfort. We are fulfilled and find joy when we pour ourselves out as an offering to others by inviting them into our suffering and sharing the experience of the deep deep comfort of our God. Let the rains as tears flow from your eyes as they heal your soul, and let the healing rains of God’s promises and His Word wash over you. You are not condemned by your sin, dear sister. You are free in Christ. We live in a fallen world with death as its reality. Yet a little while we suffer here in this world, but praise to the glorious grace of our God we will be with Him forevermore beholding the Light of His majesty and splendor for all eternity. HOPE in that!